#WeekendCoffeeShare Stream of consciousness. While I wait…

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Allison at Eclectic Ali. It’s been quite a week. All is good now. Want to know? What’s it like to live a day in the life of someone awaiting a COVID test?

I know you want to know…just like that girl who asked me to describe what it’s like giving birth after I’d had my son. I summed it up…”It’s like the worst cramps you could ever imagine. ” She looked letdown. I did not communicate the drama, the fear, the excitement and the feeling that God is in that room and that I was a chosen one, to bear this pain and deliver this life. But I digress.

It should take 24 hours to get my test results…I hope. So I’m out of work today and will be again tomorrow. I think the moment by moment is agonizing.  My symptoms seem like that of having a cold, my glands are swollen and that’s what troubled me. Children have been sick at school and leaving early. Today, the soup I ate for lunch is sitting wrong with my stomach. I’m just going to be raw and honest here. We should all do that more.

I heard someone somewhere use the phrase that when they write it’s like God is guiding them. Are they seeing that bearded man in the sky reach down his hand to guide the pen? I’m not.

Yes, there certainly is a muse. She is a younger, but wiser me who would have spoken up for herself many times when I didn’t. She pops things into my head, and I become amused, inspired, thinking, “Yeah, I should do something with that thought.” If I’d heeded her sooner I would have traveled much more, written long before I did, and done more exciting things.

I don’t think there’s an angel guiding me, and when I write, it is not holy. I write to escape demons. Or, more specifically, to purge them. I imagine a kaleidoscope of vomit spewing forth from my mouth or through my pen and onto the paper. They are not horrible things that I did, but they are things that always make me feel I am less, they are things that some would, or would have once, defined me as. Trailer trash. Product of divorce. Daughter of an alcoholic. Navy brat. Divorcee. People make assumptions about these things. I could perfectly fix my hair and makeup and look like I had all the privilege I could besides that of race. I could dress like a professional working woman and mother and no one would know the crap I’d put up with from my husband at home. It was eating me up.

You’ve gotta spit up those demons somehow or they will give you an ulcer or some other GI disorder. They’ll eat at you and travel to your nerve endings causing serious sensitivity and pain issues. So, this is why I don’t think my writing is ‘touched by an angel.’ It is human, it is real, it is of this earth. Though everything I write has a message for someone, that you are not alone, it is not going to convert anyone and I suppose it won’t get me into heaven. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is to make something beautiful out of the tough lessons we’ve learned or the crap we’ve been given.

And I probably don’t sound like a good Christian, but I’m going to thank God he gave me this ability. It has helped me to dream and imagine myself into better realities. It has helped me survive.

***Thank you for stopping by and reading. I have a few constant encouragers, and I thank you so much for this. My test was negative, and my allergies were the cause. I felt so much better yesterday. Covid anxiety is serious. Today being World Mental Health day, let’s all be kind to each other!

Author: PamelaS.Canepa, Writing and Living

I am a writer who also teaches reading and writing, currently. In 2016, I self-published an e-book and its sequel, and I am learning the art of self-promotion. I published a full-length time travel novel as of 6/16/17 and its sequel in the summer of 2018. Life is a trip, and writing is the best escape for me! Learn about my award-winning sci-fi novel, Detours in Time, on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0711ZW6XF Visit me at https://about.me/pamela.schloessercanepa

9 thoughts on “#WeekendCoffeeShare Stream of consciousness. While I wait…”

  1. Glad the test was negative. A few times allergies have raised their ugly head and I’ve wondered, but a day later I feel great, so… We all write for different reasons, and yet, in ways, the same reason. We have to let it out, whatever “it” is. Interesting stream of consciousness here.

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  2. Pam, First, so glad your test was negative. As one who has suffered through covid, been turned away from doctors and hospitals that are supposed to be there to care for people, I understand the anxiety.
    I was so sick that first night that I begged my husband NOT to call a squad and to just let me die in my own bed, in my own home, surrounded by my kitty and the love of my earthly life. Seriously, I said just that. I laid there and had a good one on one with God. And in the morning, I woke, still sicker than a dog, but not feeling so close to death. A week later, our beloved kitty (and seizure detector) passed away at our feet. Of all the losses, that one hit the hardest.
    And writing, yes, it’s an escape. A pressure release valve. Even… a balm in Gilead, if you will. For months I haven’t been able to write a coherent sentence most of the time, let alone a story. So glad to be back to that. 🙂 ❤

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  3. Hello Pamela.
    And wow! That this is good writing barely begins to articulate my reaction to your coffee share.

    How about this; I see us sitting down together, settling back comfortably with our hot drinks. There are others nearby but there are also other conversations in flight but they are only a buzzing background.
    Right now I chose to listen just to you; I want to be one of your encouragers.
    I too wonder sometimes if or when our writing can be God-inspired but I do know that all writing, like everything else around us, ALL writing is God-allowed and some of it is offered up by the writer as hopeful that our words somehow communicate God’s truth or intention or is a factor in some change that God wants.
    For example, we know that God loves each of us, regardless of whether that love is reciprocated.
    We know he wants good things for us, but sometimes allows much less than good for reasons we may never know.
    Your history is painful and I can’t parse what God had in mind when he allowed it.
    We both know that sometimes he builds us through trials, but again parsing yours is beyond my powers.
    You wrote above of wondering if your words are in any way inspired by God.
    My opinion, yes — they were.
    I say this because all truth is God’s truth and you certainly spoke that.
    You also honored him as God with those same words.
    You did not throw out wild assertions of theology or render angry judgments on God.
    I heard hope and hard pain described, all while respecting his place as God, stuff that was hard to hear about anyone I care about.
    You also spoke of a path forward. One where your near-miss covid concern was clearly a stresser, but was actually only a footnote to your larger point about speaking and writing the truth, living the truth while wearing all the painful adornments it might come with.
    Anyone who reads your words, I believe, will be better off for them. They’ll be closer to understanding God’s truth.
    I wish I did, don’t have the words that would resolve and remove your stress or pain.
    But I think I heard you utter truth loud and clear.
    And I care.

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