5-26-16: I just put it in the mail today, and I had struggled over the decision to fax it or not. The deciding factor was that I would not have to explain to anyone what I was sending, would not risk them seeing what I was sending, had I gone to a Kinko’s or faxed it from my work office. It would bring up my awkward, conflicted thoughts. Now it may take longer, but it’s so much easier to lick the envelope, seal it and stamp it, and then send it without a word to anyone. I won’t have to hide these feelings when I stand in awkward silence, or feel I have to try to explain to someone that I am letting go of a dream.
I just sent the notice to cancel my son’s college fund, and to get a refund on the remaining amount. At first, it was a glorious feeling, knowing I’d have that money coming in to pay for a summer vacation, and to fund my summer of doing nothing but writing, promoting my writing, and doing other enjoyable things. It was a relief. But the reality of sealing and stamping the envelope just brought up these conflicted feelings. You see, it made me look back. Back at how he loved going to the college campus but would not keep up with his studies, and the frightening alcohol overdose that landed him into the E.R and into a downward spiraling depression during that first term of college. This was on top of some of the problems he was already having. Of course, he withdrew, and didn’t do much, until, a year later, he tried college again. He struggled in his classes and could not keep up again, told me I was not helping him enough, then told me to leave him alone when I tried to help. I’d already decided I would not pay for a tutor. I had done that through his high school years. The college fund that paid for his tuition was opened by me when he was an infant and I made payments for 18 years. It was hard to look at him losing a grasp on that dream I had for him. It was sad as well, because he really enjoyed the open campus and just being there. After dropping out, he once again, was not doing much, and appeared to feel lousy about himself for a while.
Enter the job opportunity. A friend of the family helped him get a full-time job. It earns entry level pay, but there are opportunities for advancement and technical training. He is doing some really hard dirty work and is enjoying it. He never complains! I’m amazed. Recently, I decided to accept that he wasn’t going to college, and to cash in the college fund, depositing it into a retirement account. Well, it makes sense to set some aside for this unemployed summer that I am about to enter. I really do need a rest, but not only that, I really do want to continue writing and drumming up interest for my work, because that encourages me to write more. You may have figured out that writing is my passion.
It took me a couple of days to mail this thing, but, I guess, I am using it to pursue my dreams. Some of it will go into my retirement account. I’m trying to feel better about this again. It is not only going to help me pursue my dreams, it also represents my letting go, as hard as this is, a dream I constructed for someone else, someone who needs the freedom to construct his own dreams.
There are so many different ways to let go. Ways we have to let go. The final step in this scenario was for me to let that stuffed envelope go that I’ve been holding onto for days. There is really no way we can foresee the future for our children, or the roads they will take. But we can have faith, that it will be a blessed path, where every misstep leads to wisdom, laughter, or important lessons learned.
1996. Loved then, still loved now. ❤