Ugh, I struggle with meditation. I think I hold anxiety everywhere in my body. I tried to calm my busy mind last night. I turned on some relaxing music which helped my brain, but it is hard to shut my brain off. I had a purpose for meditation, to think about where I hold anxiety in my body, there’s so many places. So many injuries, each with a story of their own. Many mishaps and accidents due to my dorkiness, someone’s inattention, or someone’s bad driving; probably the biggest problem though, is how my brain reacts to these things. I think I need my meditation to focus on nothing.
Of course, that Celsius energy tea I had at lunchtime didn’t help me shut it all down when it was time to go to sleep last night. I tried to ask my aching legs what they’re trying to tell me, then something else chimed in like the back of my neck, and then I remembered my achy shoulder which constantly hurts because I seem to have shoulder impingement 100% of the time since I hurt it in 2020, despite shoulder rehab.
I don’t know if it’s good or bad at this point that I am slightly kinesthetic in my habits and that I can’t thrive being still for too long. I’ve had a lifetime with phases of aerobics, weight training, kick-boxing classes, Zumba, yoga. Now everything is modified, on my own, but I am still moving. There is a time for everything. I need to learn to honor the time to shut it off, to just let my brain take in some mellow music, and let my body rest.
Anyhow, I am not giving up on meditation, but I think meditation on something specific defeats the purpose for me. I need time to shut it all off and let myself just be. It was hard after a conversation with my ex as well last night. I need to stop taking on other people’s drama. I need to just be. That’s my new goal. We’ll see how this goes!