Weekend Coffee Share, Music of My Youth

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer. It’s another sunny day in Florida! I had a delicious, cold-pressed juice before my chai-latte. Yikes, I sound like a Californian! Maybe I’m on the wrong coast!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about changes in my life, how my hands get tired of typing quickly, how chaotic noise can set me off. Anyhow, it reminds me of Stevie Nicks and her song, Landslide.

I’ve been a fan of her for a long time, and I first started to love her songs at age 13. I finally got to see her live in concert with my then boyfriend in 2017. She talked about some of her inspirations and a few little known songs that were kept in her metaphorical little “box of Gothic dreams” as she stood on stage in her signature long dress, lacy coverings, boots, and flowing long hair. She sang all of the songs I love and remember.

The lyrics of Landslide always struck a chord with me:

“Mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart…rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

Change is inevitable; we can’t deny it. We all get older, and things change. We can’t watch our children grow up without acknowledging the changes within us. I’ve written previously about how I started painting on a small scale. It won’t make me famous, but it is a new pastime and outlet when my shoulder is sore again and I can’t write. I want to roll with the changes and even laugh in the face of them.

Meditation is one of the things I’m trying to learn now, as my brain really seems to need it. I blogged on that earlier this week. My nerves aren’t made of steel as they used to be. I don’t think I’m particularly good at it, but practice makes perfect, or so they say. It’s part of my goal to handle the intermittent chaos that comes with teaching, parenting, dealing with an ex-husband and an elderly mother. So, I’ll keep trying!

More on my idol, Stevie Nicks and her famous song, Landslide: https://americansongwriter.com/fleetwood-mac-landslide-behind-the-song/

That’s the basis of my reflections today. I’m enroute now to get some cardio at the gym. I’m not sure if this feels like excitement or drudgery. As long as I keep moving, that’s what counts, right?

Have a great Saturday and an inspired weekend, everyone!

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Breakfast Thoughts: Learning Self-expression

What a life I live! Those were words I started writing in my diary when I was thirteen. Sometimes it seemed sarcastic: other times, very hopeful.

Recently, I looked back in some old diaries I kept at age 13 and 14. I was quite innocent then, but man, did I ever write a lot about crushes I had on boys! Even in church and in the private church school. These diaries covered looking back at 1979 when Dad told me he and Mom had to work some things out, then skipped to me writing about the divorce happening, but NOTHING about my feelings. It covered the closing of my private school, starting at a public high school, the sale of my childhood house, moving to an apartment where I had to make new friends, and navigating the public school arena and seeing my dad maybe once yearly, yet my posts seemed mostly hopeful.

I didn’t express my feelings or opinions much, as if I feared someone would peek at my diary. Through all the changes, I never mentioned crying, except when Beth, a character in Little Women, died of a long term illness. My dad had given me the book, and I’d started reading it over that Christmas break when my brother and I went to visit him.

Never did I mention crying when my dad said they’d divorce if they couldn’t work it out, never when they divorced. I didn’t even write that day . My posts seemed like simple recountings of my days overall. I wrote a lot about boys when I was 14 too, as if I thought they would make my life better. I wrote funny stories about my friends and sounded like I responded to many things with the attitude of, “Oh well,” which seemed different than before. I mentioned getting ignored by a boy and feeling glum, then being cheered up by a friend or some other boy.

Man, was I shallow, or what? Even then, I was pondering being a writer…you have to start somewhere, I guess. Honestly, I think I didn’t express my feelings well until they hit me over the head. It seems I avoided my feelings a lot. Maybe I was afraid of them. Funny, I didn’t write much about my beliefs, just about my activities with church and youth group.

Well, I guess things have changed! I was disappointed with myself, though, because I can look back and remember the feelings I had. Maybe it just took me a little while to learn how to express them, even to my diary. Guess what? I lived through it all, every growth experience. What a life I live!

Thankful for Each Turn, #poetry

(C) 2021, Pamela Schloesser Canepa

When the leaves fall

Is it the dying of a tree?

Or is it merely a sign of change

And what one day shall be?

Ghosts of yesterday

Get trampled into the ground

They willfully move on

For something new to come round…

When leaves fall, oh so brittle,

Yet colorful and bright

A reminder to grab hold

Of our spark before

The descent of night.

Every change brings something new

Every night brings morning dew.

Every moment holds its gifts.

I’m grateful for those I didn’t miss.

Made of Cast Iron

The ‘cast iron plant’–25 years and counting

You were once a wee one

How you needed me, needed love

I nurtured you the best I could

Encouraged you to grow into your own

You were an active little boy

Who loved mud and chasing birds

How those legs would move!

Then one day, they grew long,

You seemed awkward, but kept growing

It grew as well, with our moves,

Your ‘birth’ day cast iron plant,

Through the adjustments and changes.

Still, what remained the same

Was the hearts that were your home.

Your offshoot didn’t flourish when we gave it away,

So it just goes to show,

One flourishes when they know where is home…

We all need a welcoming place called home

To nurture, encourage, and help us grow.

You can always return to home.

Weekend Coffee Share, Of Sunrise and 1,000 Mornings

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share,  hosted by Natalie the Explorer. It has been a green tea day for me. Enjoy whatever beverage you like! “Caution” by the Killers is playing in the background, a lively, hopeful tune.

This past week, I had an opportunity for walking the beach with a good friend. I’m still reading the 28 days of Soul-Coaching book, so maybe it colors everything I see, including a gray day! On Beach-walking: “The skies above may be gray, but my feet are grateful to be grounded on cooler sand and pavement today as I connected with the earth while beach walking with Judy.” She and I just talk and talk, about anything. It’s awesome and we enjoy it!

Morning Beach-walking with my son, circa 2006.

On the subject of mornings, I have found that I’m regularly waking up this summer before 7 a.m., due to the angle of the sunlight through my window. It peeks through the slats in my blinds and comes through the sheer curtain that hangs there. I don’t mind it, because at other times of the day when I am in there, I find the sunlight cheering. Not only that, but it will be helpful to be used to waking early when I have to go back to work. I’m not really a night owl anymore. I’m probably healthier this way anyhow.

From a poetry book I just finished reading, titled 1,000 Mornings by Mary Oliver: “…who would cry out to the petals on the ground to stay, knowing as we must, how the vivacity of what was is married to the vitality of what will be? ” This poem was called LINES WRITTEN IN THE DAYS OF GROWING DARKNESS. I’ve been pondering a lot about my past and the changes that have occurred in my life, how everything happens for a reason, and I’m trying to make those reasons positive, not always easy, right? I’m also discovering that there is a Season for everything. You have to see it for what it is. I’m still working on that, and can’t really be any more specific at this time. 🙂

My house is still too quiet at times though. I am not working this summer, so it really is noticeable, the absence of my son. July is travel month; that will be sure to help. I am still catching up with old friends, which is very fulfilling. Sometimes you can easily be open and honest with someone if you’ve known them a really long time, no matter how long it’s been since you conversed.

Mom had a cataract surgery this week, and I drove her. It went smoothly, and she is noticing a difference already. Her appointment was really early Wednesday, so when we returned home, I slept a lot. The silence is good for that, but it still seems too silent for me. Bixby seems to have adjusted. I just have to keep busy with reading, writing, reaching out to people, etc. That is the plan.

In the writing arena, I have been working on a short story for publication in early July. It is going to be part of a contest. I will definitely let you all know when the publication date comes closer. The book about Ellie is in my mind, but I haven’t made more progress yet. I decided I have to outline the ideas, and I likely need a full-throttle coffee day, since I have not had one in a good while. Then I could possibly work on it for several hours. It just may tickle the muse into inspiring me!

That is all I have for this week. I’m still getting a lot of down time and relaxation, and I’m sure that is just what I needed this summer. I hope you all are doing well and will have a great weekend! Happy Father’s day to those who are fathers.

You may visit Natalie’s Coffee Share and view those of others in the blogger community at http://natalietheexplorer.home.blog

Weekend Coffee Share, Bridge to….

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer. I’m enjoying matcha green tea, hearing the birds singing outside, dog at my feet. London Grammar plays in the background. Oh, that voice. This is thinking music, certainly appropriate for today.

I know, I should just celebrate the onset of my summer, but I’m still dealing with a year of big changes, so my goal right now is mindfulness and enjoying each little good thing in my life.

School’s out and summer is beginning. The afternoon hours after the students left on the last day were quiet; I felt like an empty nester all over again. The kids are our reason for being there, and now there is just clean-up before summer begins. There were a few times that afternoon that I got to sit and laugh with some co-workers in the clean-up, paperwork part of our day, but they are hurrying on their way out. I was unmotivated to get it all done.

This year certainly is unlike any other, and maybe I just need to emotionally put it in its place: the fear we felt going in-person, the struggle to communicate in a mask, the joy when I first successfully got a laugh out of them and the moments they trusted me and opened up in writing. They grew so much. I have moved slowly in packing it up, but I feel I’m making progress and still have Monday to finish.

Things that got me through the day this school year: Student-shared art and my attempts at positivity. (It helps)!

I will carry many of these memories with me, and the goal is that I will see these kids on campus next year and know that I gave them a step up in their progress toward the future and furthering their education. The cycle will keep renewing, and there will be a new crop of students next year for me to reach, or simply, to understand.

My family life is also very quiet. My mom and I are very close, but sometimes I need conversation with someone more my age or who understands what I go through, the need to excel in my career, desire to have financial stability and be able to plan for a future, yet be active in my personal time. She is having cataract surgery mid-June, so I’ll be able to help her with that. She hopes to fly to visit my brother in N.C. this summer, as well.

I’ve made good plans for the summer so far: besides, of course, walking the beach or visiting the dog park with Bixby, plane tickets were purchased for Rochester, New York for a 5-day stay with an old friend in July. She has invited me before, but this summer is the best time to go. I’ll also get a low-cost trial at a new yoga studio and go several days a week. I’ve caught up with some old friends and we’re going to hang out this summer.

There is still the matter of an I-Fly certificate; I chickened out after seeing their waiver, but it’s my goal to just do it this summer, and to have a great story to tell. 🙂 Then, there’s the matter of the quiet in my house; my son is still not answering calls, but I know he’s reporting to work. I don’t want to be a stalker mom, but I had always reserved time to go places with my son, even if he wasn’t talkative. It’s different for me. I don’t know how this situation will resolve, but I just need to have faith that it will. Something to work on, for sure.

It’s becoming clear that each season must pass to make room for the next. I have not been happy with the turn my life changes have taken, but there is always opportunity to grow. As a poet I recently discovered (Mary Oliver) wrote, “For some things there are no wrong seasons.” As it should be for me.

So, I took this morning slow today, because I could. I sat on the porch a few minutes, but the heat is something else today. I still have some work to do on my short story, Crossroads Diner, and Saturday exercise/cardio needs to be next on my list. Thank you for stopping by and allowing me to ponder. How was your week?

Weekend Coffee Share: Viva La Independence!

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Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer. It was a green matcha tea day. I am being kind to my health, and I actually did some yoga with an online yoga website class. A healthy body aids a healthy mind and vice versa.

What an interesting week. On Thursday, my Newspaper Club had judging for a poetry contest that we ran during the month of April. This was my pet project. Several of the students wanted to be in on the judging, and I had two other teachers present to help with judging as well as one of their wives who is into art and poetry. I read each poem aloud, and they judged it American-Idol style. I think the kids had great fun with it, and the adults seemed to have a good time too! I showed my principal the 1st place poem the next day. She seemed pretty busy, but when I asked if she had time, she said, “I can always make time for the kids.” She was impressed by the poem as well! Winners have not been officially told yet, but I have a student who wants to do the announcing.

Also on my mind this week was how tired I’ve been. I did not sleep well for a few nights, all due to a conversation with my boyfriend last Saturday night. After dinner, he said we needed to talk. So, after a brief talk, we amicably split up. It was sort of a shock to me being brought up now; we had dated for 11 and 1/2 years, but lately, it didn’t feel much like dating. More like the old ball and chain that didn’t want to take vacations with me, didn’t agree with my bucket list, etc., etc. There’s no way he would ever accompany me to Europe. All of this also felt strange though, so soon on the heels of my son moving out.

Adjusting to this new norm could take a while, I suppose, and might be a slight challenge. Just as adjusting to daylight savings time can result in disruptions to sleep patterns, adjusting to the new norm in my social and relationship life has also done the same. Maybe an over-thinker like me can’t help it. Going back over things, wondering what I should have done differently, if I should have called it off myself sooner, if I should not have let the relationship start in the first place, etc. Yet, I feel I have accepted all of this.

Through the pandemic and shutdown, I started really throwing myself into my work. I also tried to maintain friendships with female friends, even if it was only by phone. My focus and ability to write were challenged, but I’ve done a little, and that is my personal little world that no one can take away from me. I lost the watch he gave me, so I bought my own, a nice watch…it made me feel independent and self-satisfied. Then I found his weeks later. So now I wear either one depending on the day. I think I have been moving toward accepting that the realtionship was not going to go any further and that I needed to make places for myself in this world…so I have. I feel grounded.

So, needless to say, I did not get enough sleep most of last week, just processing all of this stuff, but Thursday night, I finally slept well. Last night, I also got eight hours of sleep! I don’t expect this to be every night, but I am thankful that my brain slowed down for a while.

The best hallmark of this week, though, was my son’s twenty-fifth birthday! We went to eat Mediterranean food, one of my favorites. He had a hookah, so we all sat outside. It was cool and comfortable. There was hummus, pita bread, shish kebobs and plenty of veggies…so tasty! My mom also had a great time. I think it was a good way to celebrate that pleased everyone all around.

He seems to be doing well with his move to independence. If I text in the morning, he answers. So, I know he’s been getting up on time for work. I don’t try to call him much, as I know he won’t be talkative yet. (I haven’t given him enough alone time yet) 🙂 Acceptance seems to be my key word for the day, until I can say I am truly embracing independence, my own, my son’s, and that of all of us. Viva la independence!

We’re all Time Travelers. (A Passage) #RDP

   circa 1991.

(c) 2019, Pamela Schloesser Canepa

We hurtled to here

through space and time,

to a future that back then,

we couldn’t see.

 

Who knew we’d watch TV on our phones,

now we’re never really alone,

with friends halfway across the earth,

but what are they really worth?

 

I go back and remember,

picking up a phone

playing songs on a record

when I felt too alone.

Calling friends to meet up,

getting ready to go out,

instead of dressing up

for a photo for my phone.

 

Today is an introvert’s dream.

Post your status every day.

Some will respond, like or laugh,

others  ignore or stay away…

and no one need really care.

 

Who knew it would all be so simple one day?

You can fight with friends by text

find online who will be next;

In a blink, life goes on.

 

Who knew it would all be so simple one day?

I used to write poems by the sea when my heart sank, now,

we post heartbreaks and rants on our wall.

I’d gladly take a passage  back to those days.

 

 

 

Magical Afternoon. #FFfAW

Photo image credit, Michelle De Angelis.

 

Billy knew something was up.  Mom never spent that much time with him.  Time was great, but what was even better today in the gardens was her honesty.

She’d been distant and absent a lot lately.  He suspected something just as his dad did.  Good old, boring Dad.

“I’m moving in with the professor,” she confessed.  She’d met a lot of new people since pursing a Master’s.

“So, you and Dad are divorcing?”  Billy tried to act shocked.

“Yes.  Listen, it’s been falling apart for over a year.  I was just waiting for you to grow up a little.  Now you’ve got a job, and a car, and your friend’s family takes up a lot of your time.”

He almost told her they had adopted him, but he chose silence instead.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I replied, taking in the sweet floral scents around us.  The colors of nature after the earlier rain took on a glowing, magical quality.  Yes, everything would be alright.

~164 words

Every week, FFfAW posts a photo prompt to which you may respond with a story between 100 -175 words long. (No longer).

Join the #FFfAW Challenge or come along to see what others are writing! FFfAW Challenge, 7/03/18

 

 

#WeekendCoffeeShare. Where was I?

Welcome to the Weekend Coffee share, hosted by Allison at Eclectic Ali.  It’s the end of the school year for many of us, and as a teacher, I breathe a sigh of relief.  I got to sit back and chat a bit with fellow teachers at a late lunch commemorating the end of the year.  It was nice, but I left before the part was over so I could get home to finish up assignments for my online class.

Yes, in the midst of working on getting another novel released and wrapping up the school year, I started a course for teaching Gifted students last week.  It actually started on the same day as my 50th birthday!  Fortunately, I did most of my celebrating over the weekend leading up to my birthday.  Here is a post I published here on WordPress where I attempt to humorously deal with turning the BIG 5-0:   A Girl Turns 50    Now, back to this Teaching Gifted course.  It will  last until June 22nd, though it may not seem as tedious next week when I have Weds. through Fri. off work!  I can do this.  I can do this.

After 6/22, I’ll have a few free days for fun.  There is my boyfriend’s birthday and the Pixies concert.  It should be a great time!  Good old eighties music, the best kind!  We’ll be pretty tired the day after the concert, I’m sure, so I planned the book release for two days after the concert.

Yes, Undercurrents in Time, my sequel to Detours in Time, will be releasing on June 26th!

Detours in Time, Book 1.

By the way, you can even check-out the pre-order page here for Undercurrents in Time, maybe even pre-order your copy at a reduced price before June 16th:

Undercurrents in Time Available on pre-order

That’s all I have for now!  It seems like plenty on my plate, I shouldn’t try to handle it all at once, but I think I can do this!  I just noticed how short this post is.  It has been another full-cup-of-coffee day, and I still have much more to do.  Have a great week, everyone!

*Weekend Coffee share is hosted at https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2018/06/01/weekendcoffeeshare-theatrics-games-and-potlucks/   where you can check out other fellow bloggers coffee shares and even enter your own for this week.  Check it out!