Perplexed, #poetry #RDP

(c) 2022 by Pamela Schloesser Canepa

I’m feeling just slightly perplexed

My thoughts are a jumbled mess

In the middle of the night

My mind is afright

Why must I wake before the light?

Posted in response to the one word prompt posted daily at Ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com

Weekend Coffee Share. This Little Bird’s Gonna Fly…I Hope.

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Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Antoinette Truglio Martin. Can I just say, thank God for weekends!

I was in such bliss waking up at 7 this morning knowing I didn’t have to put my brain in overdrive getting ready to be somewhere at a specified time or thinking about what I’d do first or what morning meeting I’d have at school. I looked forward to breakfast and coffee, and everyone else at home was asleep. It was silent in my home, silent in my neighborhood, and I managed 7 hours of sleep last night, a miracle, lately. I do a lot of stretching in the morning, exercises at home, and yoga now and then, which I will start more as physical therapy is winding down. It all makes for a peaceful morning that I can stretch out with writing on the laptop and sometimes, yes, tying up less ends for work and making progress on my class for Teaching Gifted students. Right now is a busy time, and I have still been in the process of working on me.

On that note, on Martin Luther King day I invited a new co-worker, a very young woman, to bring her dog to the dog park to play with my Bixby. It went so well, we are going to do it again! She is my son’s age, but why should that stop me? I am so glad I did that. It’s about breaking out of usual limits we put on ourselves.

Of course, Bixby loved it too!

I saw my doctor this last week and we discussed many things: sleeplessness, menopause, my progress with my shoulder and physical therapy. He’s offering a prescription for the sleep, and I’m going to think about it first. I think I’ve made good progress with the physical therapy and will likely write about that on my blog as well. As this process went on, I’ve been educating myself and researching about the brain and pain, anxiety and its effects on our thinking. I am emerging from physical therapy much stronger, so let me just tell you, it works. However, I not only needed help with my body and strength, but also with my mindset. I received that as well in the most subtle of ways. As a result, I am a firm believer in physical therapy as a method for dealing with or recovering from pain. As I said, I plan to write about this and some of the things I learned about myself through this process. I have one more appt, and then I will be the baby bird nudged out of the nest. I am ready to go on to the next thing, or just to discover what is the next way I can keep myself on the path to getting stronger and believing in myself. My doctor says an MRI is not necessary now, which works for me, as I like avoiding visits to the hospital! My goal is to continue doing intentional things to keep my upper body strong and not allow it to go back to the pain cycle; may any pain that comes now simply be growing pain. I am already keeping up with lower body stretches and will continue, perhaps challenging myself with barre class or cardio yoga.

Just for fun, here is what I’ve been researching about the mind:

-Is counting a form of OCD

-Other side effects of menopause

-How safe is Ambien? (because I’m not sure I want that prescription)

-Anxiety and memory loss

-physical therapy stories

-pain and trauma

-pain and the brain

-CBT

Yes, sometimes I am heavy handed with my over-thinking. But don’t worry, this little bird is gonna fly. As you should know, if you have ever met me or read my writing or blog posts, I am very capable in the area of imagination and fantasy, and half of the battle is believing that you can!

Photo via Pixabay.

Stay light, my friends. Have a great week!

Weekend Coffee Share. I Survived…

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Antoinette T. Here we are the day after Friday the 13th, and I’ve already exercised and had my hair cut and styled. It was half a cup today, I’m sticking with that because I can’t go without, and I can’t risk my ability to sleep later. I fell asleep early on the couch the last few nights, but then I woke up at 1 or 2 and couldn’t get back to sleep for a few hours. So, there’s another entry in the Insomniac Diary. This was more sleep than my norm for the week, though. There’s a plus! Also, my dog came in and sat on the bed with me last night when I woke and started tossing a little.

I survived this Friday the 13th, which was an emotional roller coaster for so many different reasons. I survived by creating an atmosphere in my classroom that I myself could stand to be in as student or teacher. My students surprised to me. A student in my highly advanced class said I was her favorite teacher and I thanked her. I shared a highly personal poem that they loved. I wrote peace on Earth on my board, and a boy went up and drew and colored a beautiful Earth with blue and green. (Photo coming later). We all survived together. My student origami artist added a dragon to my collection! It now watches over me too. Though I still have new content for my insomniac’s diary, I have to tell you, life is good. ❤

On the writing front, I’m reading through Malachi again before I send it to an editor. I’m recording my insomnia experiences as well as my experiences with stress and how it may be affecting my health. I’m going to get wellness right, that is my goal, and someday I’ll take cardio yoga confidently! The physical therapy had a snag when I think I pushed too hard, so they gave me new exercises and it’s going much better now. My legs are getting stronger so my back will have a more stable foundation. As I visualize it and work toward it, I know this will happen!

That’s my week and my growth journey in a nutshell. I hope your week has gone well! Now I am off to cheer on some students who are ringing the Salvation Army bell today!

Weekend Coffee Share. An Insomniac’s Diary/ Slice of life

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Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Antoinette T. You can find her site and Weekend Coffee Share at https://antoinettetrugliomartin.com/2019/12/06/tis-the-season/  **It is half a cup of hazelnut coffee for me, and whatever you would like as I share my partial sleep/lack of sleep diary for the week.   It’s not as funny as Bridget Jones’ diary, but I think I am just as honest, so there’s that.  🙂  I am hoping some of you may have similar experiences.  Truly, there were several things competing for the heaviest weight on my mind this week.  My physical health and my quality of sleep are two of those things.  I’ve been sharing a lot on Facebook about it, partly because I know a few people who at times will post that they can’t sleep or can’t believe they are up at 4 a.m. and can’t get to sleep again.  I have found one or two friends who will chat with me on Messenger when I can’t sleep.  It helps to know you are not the only one with insomnia.

Why is this happening, though? I started physical therapy 8 days ago, and I have leg exercises to do morning and night.  The first two days I was so energized and waking up early.  However, I suspect I should do the night exercises earlier, maybe before dinner.  It will just take some shuffling of my schedule, and I am vowing to bring less work home.  The sad news of a friend’s passing was also something I had to mentally process.  May he rest in peace.

The week in a nutshell:

12/02: Woke up at 4:30 a.m.  Maybe it was the recent news of a dear friend/co-worker losing his battle with cancer.   This is such a big loss for my school and the community.  Maybe it was also partly a change of energy due to having started physical therapy this past week.  My mind was definitely a bit too busy after I woke and tossed/turned from sciatica ( a frequent occurrence).  FB post reads:  Insomniac thoughts: Nothing to see here, my brain is just rattling its cage. #overthinkersareus  

12/03: From my post:  I slept in until 5:23, I have a busy brain and a full cup of coffee, and this student artwork ( blue and pink origami bird) waits for me at my work computer. Started PT for the back and it’s going well. Should be working on the shoulder in the next few weeks. I feel stronger. It’s worth the investment, and I’m trying to work on my mindset. My body must keep up with my brain or they’ll ruin each other. I think my energy level is better, but yesterday was rough due to emotions and lack of sleep.

12/04:  Woke up at about 4:30 a.m. again.  Sciatica.  My doctor and I will discuss this tomorrow.  Scoured Facebook for something to lighten my thoughts and make me laugh.  Posted a funny meme of a rebellious woman not heeding her boyfriend’s command to ‘not drink the whole bottle of wine and act retarded.‘ She sports cut-off denim shorts, an empty wine glass, and Batman cape and mask.  Good for her!  I hope her boyfriend crawled away in shock and shame that he can’t handle this free-spirited girl.  I checked, and my boyfriend totally would not stop me if I wanted to do this. 🙂

12/05- Did not post about my sleep, but I think I slept through the night, so tired.  I did post about my friend who passed, as his visitation was going to be that evening.  Spoke to my doctor in the afternoon appointment about my sleep issues and leg pain.  He agrees the PT is the best thing, staying active is the best thing for arthritis and recurring pain.   For now, I am going to try melatonin at night.  I just spilled out all about my friend’s passing and the many things in the last three years that could have caused my pain: emotional family events, a car accident in ’16 that set off my nerves.  This is good.

12/06- I don’t think I got any actual sleep Thursday night.  My legs and sciatica were bugging me and I could not find my sciatic magnet therapy cuff.  It was cold in the air but I knew I couldn’t make it too hot in the house.  That, and I’d had the PT and a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, lots to think about after the Dr. appt., and the PT included new exercises for the hips, which are pretty unbalanced, by the way (so I’m not used to the hip work that was introduced I probably really need it though).  The visitation for my friend occurred Thursday evening.  I got to meet his family, tell them why he was important to me.  There were so many co-workers I hadn’t seen in years except maybe Facebook, and we did some catching up and laughing about the best memories we have of Ron.  He was loved by so many.  The next morning’s post was me giving myself a pep-talk:

Ah, morning. Despite my lack of sleep, I will make the best of today! I plan to appreciate the students who like to give me hugs, the girls who are writing their paranormal version of the story I’m teaching them, the kids who just started Scholar Bowl and were so excited to tell me about it, and the awesome co-workers I get to work with. From brave new teachers who teach despite horrible news and opinions of teachers these days, to seasoned teachers who keep coming back due to their unstoppable warrior spirit that is, above all, fueled by love for their fellow man and hope for a better future. Life is good!

Sunrise524403_3714407267762_133138129_n Sunrise of hope.

I have been working through this.  I am not the kind who stays home to deal with my emotions.  The lack of sleep didn’t stop me, I liked being around the energy of middle schoolers.  My boss spoke to me early in the week and seemed very understanding of the processes I’m going through.  I’m still pushing through the PT and I know that my mental state is always the best when I feel strong physically, and my physical state is affected if I allow myself to become a bundle of nerves.  One of my relief mechanisms, writing, will not work if sitting in the computer for too long causes me back pain, which it does despite buying a special cushion for the sits bones.  By the way,I mentioned melatonin.  I started that Friday night.  Of course, I was so super tired.  I did my leg exercises from 7:30 to 8, and I fell asleep shortly after the dog-walking right after 10 o’clock.  So melatonin might have helped. I will be repeating and observing its effectiveness.

If you have read all of this, thank you for the patience.  I feel self-centered, but it has helped for me to get the events all together and the possible triggers/antecedents.  Perhaps some of you have been through some of these things? Please share if you are comfortable doing so.  I actually hope my Insomniac’s Diary does not go on a long time, I do not really want enough material for a whole book. 🙂

That was my week.  How was yours?

 

 

 

Anxiety, The Phantom (Poetry)

By Pamela Schloesser Canepa
Anxiety, The Phantom copyright, 1.05.16
A windy night brings it. Bam!
The back porch door slams
And I’m left to wonder what is there
What glowing eyes in the night will glare?
I am like a child, four years old again,
My fear and imagination bends.
What hoodlum or phantom lurks here?
I sense something evil crouching near.
Gone is all hope of sleep.
I must be ready in case he leaps.

“He” is my fear of things unseen,
Politicians and terrorists threatening me,
Bills, undone tasks, that won’t let me free,
Narrow minded people judging me
Worry for my son, in his melancholy
TV news feeding branches of my anxiety.
Things that make me think I have no weapon,
Realities that happen, with or without mention.
My canine detects no offending thief,
And only morning daybreak brings relief.

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