In the Nineties. #poetry

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Photo by Francesco Ungaro on Pexels.com

(c) Pamela Schloesser, 2019

It was the nineties,

I was young, and you were bold,

I just wanted to be told

How beautiful I was.

My brother skated, my mother worried,

And I tried not to seem so smart.

 

It was the nineties;

I just wanted to be cool

and I wanted to be pretty.

I married someone

who was the life of the party.

We were all about

Chinese takeout

and a thirteen inch t.v.

Californians were cooler than us

Moulder and Scully were

more interesting than us.

We’d finish our X-files and takeout

and sit on the back porch

watching for our own aliens.

 

I’d retreat to some Stephen King

you’d escape somewhere partying

with people cooler than I.

You’d always return,

whether I liked it or not;

I was home base.

Whether you walked straight or not

if you howled at the moon or not,

whether you were seeing two or three,

I was still home base.

 

Starting a family didn’t help.

Threatening to leave didn’t help.

It was the nineties and we were

just who we were.

But I didn’t like you interpreting

my place anymore.

 

It was nineteen ninety eight

and time to get things straight.

Growing up is important.

We do what we must do,

and it was time to acknowledge

that I couldn’t grow with you.

 

It was the late nineties

and I’d dashed your world,

split up our family, taken your son.

I was many horrible things

all rolled up into one.

But I walked on that broken glass

with a toddler in my hands

to freedom on the other side.

 

It was the nineties,

and then it no longer was.

A new millenium,

The crossing of a threshold.

I was thirty, and wise

but not at all old.

I look back, glad Iit’s in the past.

But still, I learn when I look back.

**The nineties were an important part of me, and such a very interesting decade on their own.  This timeframe has shown up in my writing, particularly in the book, Detours in Time.  You can find out about this book and series at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0711ZW6XF  Thank you for stopping by, and I do hope you will return to my blog.  I offer a little bit of everything here.  Cheers!

 

Best of the Year. Dec. 12-17. #2018BOTY

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What was the Best of 2018 for me?  This is a continuation.  My job and life being as they are, I’d never remember to post every day, these days.  I got this idea and the graphic from Beaton at becomingthemuse.wordpress.com

These are the best of 2018 for me, #12 to #17.

12.  Achievement- I landed my first book signing ever!  What did it take?  Well, I have entered my book in many book contests, gotten some acclaim, boosted my confidence, and….drum roll: I made the call to an independent book store.  That is what it took.  The confidence; I had to develop that.  After that, I just had to make sure to tell every single friend I had.  I was so grateful for all of the people who showed up!

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13.  Lesson Learned- I keep learning this lesson, and I put it into practice in 2017, but I kept working it this year to yield the results.  The lesson is this:  The best thing you can give your offspring is unconditional love, no matter what.  I have learned this with my son again and again.  Some will advise that I need to cut him loose as a young adult.  I do give him his freedom and space, but he just seems to not be ready for certain things.  It would take a lot of time to reiterate what he has been through in the last four years, but I’ll suffice it to say that he still is not driving since his car accident and concussion of Jan., 2017.  He rides a bike to work at a car wash, and he is happy there working around 30 hours a week.  He is appreciated by the owner and very punctual.  I am proud of that; he has been at it for a little over a year now.  He is a very quiet young man.  Some people are taken aback by that.  Just realize, some of us have an awful lot going on inside, and we have been on a mental health journey as a family to understand him and to deal with things without responding in anger, anxiety, or hopelessness.  We went together to RI to see my dad this summer, and he was like a quiet child, but best of all, he enjoyed himself in his quiet manner.  When it was boring on the plane, we played a word game app together.  I caught his cold, but I couldn’t distance him when he was actually interacting with me far more than he had in over a year.  He has grown; he likes to watch movies with me, and he listens to books on audio at times.  I believe his interests are coming back, and I won’t focus on the fact that he isn’t reading the books, but that he is developing some interests.

RIcrag.RocksBeauty34220_1369823214626_93248_n From our first visit to RI, 2010.

14. The Best blog post is by Beaton, who inspired me to join the Best of the Year posts!  It was a September blog post about the elections and resulting riots in Zimbabwe with a more recent follow up.  This just shows how the world of blogging can connect people across the oceans and in other countries.  He was out and about when the riots occurred and fearful for his safety.  How else could I know the perspective of someone who went through this?  I am really into learning about other points of view and the global knowledge one can attain through the internet.  He recently posted a follow up, to include real life photos and a Youtube clip of one of the politicians justifying their actions.  I have used and presented Beaton’s blog posts with my Journalism class,  to get their frame of mind out of their own little corner and to learn about the world.  Visit his recent post:   https://becomingthemuse.wordpress.com/2018/11/18/of-coffee-with-a-state-march-of-mind/

15.  Person you met-At my booksigning in November, I met Lena Sheqeraq, an author who writes children’s books, one of them an ESL teacher resource.  I am always glad to meet and network with new authors, and it’s great that she is local!  She even gave me the name of her publisher.  This could lead to something exciting!  I’ll let you know when I know.  🙂

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16. Business/service you started using  – Chiropractic services.  After a 3 year break, (no pun intended), I went back to the chiropractor.  I had gone for two straight years until the doctor’s frequent schedule changes disgusted me.  (My anxiety could not handle the hassle with dodging the traffic to get to his location by 4:45).  I have suffered in the meantime and was given a prescription for muscle relaxors from the primary doc.  Well, they mask the pain but don’t make it better.  So I went back.  This is a new doctor, not the one who kept changing the schedule.  I get there around 5:15, and the traffic is not bad at all.  That, and my neck feels so much better, and I am not getting sick as much.  It really is good for my health!

17.  App you discovered- The Canva app.  I have been using Canva.com on the desktop for about two years to make book graphics, blog graphics, and even one book cover for From Lost to Loved.  I was out in public one day and got a surge of creativity one day.  So I went to the Google app store and downloaded Canva for my phone.  I am still learning about it, but I love the portability, since I do post a lot of my book information using my phone.  Try it!

 

Who am I? In Timeline Format. Blog Challenge. “Eyeliner is my friend.”-17 year-old Pam.

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1991.  The Royal Gorge, Colorado.  Young me, age 22.

Who am I?  I took this challenge because it was posted on the blog, “The Quiet Girl Blogger.”   She reminds me of the young me, except that blogs didn’t yet exist back then. 🙂 See her link below my entry!

My entry:

Age 4– I am amazed at this huge world around me, maybe a little scared.  We moved to this cold place and it’s huge, but the snow is neat, my mom spends lots of time with me, and Dad goes to work every day.  I am living a good life and learning so much.

Age 11-I am awkward and my body doesn’t look the way I want it to.  I am missing my dad and I feel sad for my mom, who is going through her own issues.  She went back to work again (said she had to), and she is skinny as a stick now.  I am lucky to have a few close friends.  I am sure God loves me, but I am not sure why I’m here in this world.

Age 17– I am going to look good and willing to suffer for it.  I am lightening my hair again.  No matter what I do or how little I eat, I never look good enough, but eyeliner is my friend.  I am fixated on this guy who treats me like dirt, so I likely won’t go to the prom.  Just not ready.  I’m working a steady part-time job and driving.  I have a few close friends.  I am unsure where I fit in the social totem pole at school.  I am amazed by classic Literature that makes my heart cry and my spirit soar all at once.  I am writing poems that I may never show to anyone.

Age 23– I am a college graduate.  Who knew?  I am still quiet, but I can function in social settings.  I am amazed at this new guy and how he’s so afraid someone else will steal my heart.  I am ignoring the fact that he is possessive.  I work a steady job and may have a chance to use my degree later.  I am sure the Bible says we should love each other.  I am in love.  (I think).

Age 28–  I am a mom!  I’m amazed at this little gift I’ve been given.  This experience is the most meaningful that I’ve ever had in my life!  What love could match this?  But I’m so scared I’ll drop him or do something wrong.  I’m so tired from work and still needing time with my son.  I’m unsure how to balance it all.  And I still have to live up to someone else’s expectations of a wife?

Age 30– I am tired.  I am a beautiful person under all of this.  It is all hidden with feelings of inadequacy.  I am grateful for a friend at work who makes me laugh.  I’m aware my husband will see this as a betrayal to him.  But why can’t I just have a friend?  Why am I not living life as I see fit and why do I feel like I’m caged?  I am trying to raise my son and be a professional.   We need that, but yet he resents that.   I am not going to be a cleaning, cooking housewife.   What did he just call me? I am not letting him talk to me like this one more time.  I am tired of this nonsense.  I am out of here, and taking my son with me.  I am sure God didn’t put me here for this.  I am going to be free to live my own life, with my son and whomever I choose to trust.

Age 40:  I am living my own life!  I’m too young to stop having fun.  Dad didn’t slow down until age 44.  I’m sure some things I do aren’t good for my health, but I’m still young, right?  By the way, now that he’s 11, my son sure got sassy.  Boy, they do change.  I love to travel, and this year was great!  I should do it all before I’m old.  I’m still attractive, many don’t know my age.  I like to have fun with that.  Life is for the taking.  Relationships are for those wanting to slow down.  So why am I so worried about *Steven?  He’s a drinker.  I knew that.  I really need to focus on myself.

Age 48:  I am a teacher, mother, daughter, friend, mentor, writer, a nut**, a dog lover, an avid reader, and health-obsessed.    I am sure God, and Jesus, accepts me just as I am.   I am capable of doing anything I want.  This pain in my hand and my shoulder won’t stop me.  I love my job, but I won’t let it keep me from doing the other things I love.  I love my family and friends.  I have a kind man who cares for me, and I care for him.   Society does not define us.  Making a positive difference for others fits in with my job, my main hobby, and my personal beliefs.   I want to do it all and won’t let anyone stop me.  It doesn’t matter if I only have 10 minutes or 5 hours.  I know I can do this, so I am going to try!

Who am I?  I am all of these things, and more.  I chose a timeline to sum up and show changes I have undergone.   I think they all represent who I am quite well.  Life is truly a growth experience.  I asked my mom to throw out some random ages, for me to think about who I was at that time and what lessons I was learning.  This was fun and emotional.  What about you?  Are you up to the challenge?  Who are you?  More than your job, student status, ethnicity, or where you live.  Who are you?

*Name changed because he doesn’t deserve a mention. 🙂

**(nut) By which I mean, I make up silly songs about the taco-truck, my dog, getting ready for work, etc.  Most of my family will ignore them, but not my boyfriend, Kenny.  He joins in! 🙂

Visit The Quiet Girl Blogger at http://thequietgirlblogger.wordpress.com/2016/08/13/who-am-i/ for her Who am I entry.  While there, you may decide to give her a follow!

The White Rabbit Hates Donuts! Stupid #&$t I did When I Was Young, pt 2

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Photo courtesy of Bing, Creative Commons.  This poor guy looks a little anxious. 😦  Okay, no animals were harmed in today’s story.  In fact, the white rabbit was not an animal, but a car.  It was the first car I was allowed to drive on my own.  Yes, I know, it sounds very Alice in Wonderland-ish, and maybe that’s actually fitting.  Too bad I don’t have a picture of that car.  The white rabbit, however, did not like donuts at all, and rebelled in kind.  Read on for the story of a lesson I learned the hard way at age 17, in my second Monday installment of “Stupid %&$t I Did When I Was Young.”

It was 1985.  Billy Idol played on my radio and in my cassette player almost non-stop.  I had a job.  That was great, even though it was in a fast food restaurant.  Even though I sometimes worked pretty late on weekend nights.  I had a car that could get me there, since Mom had just bought a newer car for herself.  The white rabbit was a Volkswagen Rabbit, and I know it had potential.  I just didn’t know what to do with it.

His name was *Jaxx.   (Or maybe it wasn’t. :))  He was different.  Outspoken, unafraid, with long hair and tall as an oak tree, no lie.  I was different, too.  Quiet.  Somber, would sit in a corner alone if I didn’t know anyone, and half the time, I’d have my head down too unless I was in a class with some of my friends.  Honest,  I didn’t die my hair black, though many probably expected me to.  This was 11th grade, and I had some interesting friends, quite an assortment.  One of them was really into getting into every rock concert or going to see every new band she could.  I went with her many times.  Through her, I met Jaxx.  He didn’t have a car; I did.  But what he did have, was a fake i.d.  Imagine what a valuable piece of plastic that was to us!  I would gladly drive him places.  Well, some of my other friends wanted to go, and they’d bring boyfriends.  Inevitably, I let him drive my car because I’d get, you know, too tired to drive.  Sometimes they’d meet me up at the *Jack in the Box (Name changed to protect the innocent restaurant chain) and get something through the drive-through, then wait in the parking lot until I got off.  I don’t think I got much sleep back then.

We’d go off to the drive-in movies or out driving.  When I let Jaxx drive, he usually drove like a crazy man.  Hey, it was a five speed!  One night, a bunch of them wanted to try and do donuts, round repeated spins at high speed, in the car.  I think it was just my car, well, someone had a Pinto, maybe it was subjected to donuts, too.  I don’t know; it gets hazy.  So, yeah, they were doing that and I was just laughing with everyone else, in a lackadaisical, anything goes spirit.  Why worry?  Why question it?  Who does that when they’re 17 and having fun anyhow?  Oh, I sure needed to learn a lesson.

We were out so late this one night, I just knew I’d be in serious trouble.  Jaxx said, “Man, I stay in trouble.  I’d just like to run off.”

And I said something like, “Yeah.  I should do that.  I’m tired of my mom’s strict rules.  I’m tired of school.”

Well, everyone else had to go home to avoid grounding, I guess, but he and I didn’t want to go home.  We decided we would just run off.  Now, I’m sure my car sounded bad, but for some reason I don’t remember specifics.  However, it got us to an IHOP on the other side of town, Westside, I think.

We sat there eating something cheap, and I was drinking coffee, thinking what am I doing here.  Looking at the night shift waitress thinking, will I need a job like that to feed myself?  What were we thinking?  Are Jaxx and I gonna live together?  Could we even stand each other?  Mind you, we weren’t actually dating and he’d never kissed me.  He had a fake i.d.and devil may care attitude.  I had a car, and an easy-going attitude.  Meaning, I didn’t really look out for myself.  I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

I looked at him, and he looked at me, and one of us, I’m not sure who, said, “This was not a good idea.”  What a relief.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to face grounding.  I’m tired,”  I said.

“You look tired,”  he agreed.  Actually, I think he said something much meaner.  See what I mean?  All this guy had going for him was a fake i.d.  So glad I came to my senses.

Of course, I got grounded.  Of course, something was wrong with the car.  It got me home, but it didn’t start the next day.  I asked one of my friends who had been there to tell me what happened to it.  She told me, “Jeff says Jaxx knocked the engine off the engine block.”  Great.  If I would’ve just told him to get out of my car, if I would have just taken care of my car, what a frustration.  I hadn’t.  I didn’t look out for myself, either.

I don’t know if Jaxx had already been a dropout, or if it happened soon after, or if I just didn’t have the guts to tell him he caused that damage to the car and owed me for repairs. Summer was just a month or two away, anyhow. The car sat in our driveway for months until Mom got someone to buy it for dirt cheap.  That was part of my punishment, losing the car.  I knew I deserved it.  She had been rife with worry that whole night that I was out until 4 or 5 a.m.  I can sympathize with her now, looking back.

I got rides to work, rides home, waited around so Mom could drop me off before work.  I worked, and save $700 for some kind of used Plymouth that did its own donuts on the side of the road when it was rainy out.  Guess I’m lucky I lived.  That car liked donuts. :p We won’t go too far into how I felt, sitting at the side of the road, heart racing.  God, it was a close call.  Considering it once happened on a highway, I must have had someone looking out for me.

It seems like I straightened up in Senior year, realizing my love for Literature, and that I could actually go to college, just had to choose carefully which classes I chose to sleep in.  I kept working, got a better part-time job, still driving that rusty Plymouth, but I was able to get some work done on it.  It became less dangerous to me, thank God!  My outlook on life was a lot lighter, brighter.  Maybe I was more determined.  My dad was going to pay my first two years of tuition if I paid for books.  So, I did go on to get my college degree, working and paying for the rest of it myself.  After all, you learn a lot more when you pay for what you get.  A tough lesson, an education.  And don’t subject the white rabbit to donuts, or so-called friends who insist on donuts!

*Some names have been changed to avoid dredging up the past.  Well, it is prominent in my memory right now, it being summer time, but I would like to have certain people remain just that, a memory. 🙂