Weekend Coffee Share, Growth.

(c) 2020

When life suddenly

Becomes a field of thorns

Sticks to your barefooted soul

And pricks your composure,

Look for the wildflower.

Nourish it, feed it, focus on it,

And thank it for the experience.

Nurture the growing wildflowers in your life and in your heart. Don’t focus on the thorns; let them serve their purpose. Weekend Coffee Share, 11/22/20

Tired but still kicking. Looking for the positives wbile removing the thorns, to bring forth gratitude.This is all I can give today. I hope it inspires you. Have a great week and a happy Thanksgiving my friends!

Mighty maelstrom. #RDP

Pixabay photo.

(c) Pamela Schloesser Canepa, 2020

 

In the midst of the wind

And tumultuous waves

A voice called out to me.

“You did not cause the storm,

But the storm is within you

You are not run by what you fear

And you are not controlled by fear

If you can just embrace it…

Be the wind that erodes the sands of boredom

Be the downpour that washes away all doubt

Be the fire that burns down the tents of shame

Do not be blown over by the storm,

Let the storm surge through you, and remake you,

Stronger, wiser, resilient as an oak.”

With that, she walked away, long stick guiding her movements, gray hair befalling her shoulders, a smile crinkling at her eyes.

Just as I realized who she was, she was gone…

 

The Forest. #poetry

WOLFforest-2056852_1280                                                   “And the forest will echo with laughter.”  -Led Zeppelin lyric

The Forest, (c) 2020 by Pamela Schloesser Canepa

The forest is deep and far and wide

lush with ideas and thoughts

coming at us all at once…

layers and layers of thoughts

The changing path, the creatures on the way

the weather falling down on us

or sunshine guiding our way.

Layers and layers to peel away and discover

or some that we bury and keep covered,

like leaves on a forest floor.

The innocent child goes forth to explore…

The tainted, jaded adult hangs back

Says, “No, we probably shouldn’t.”

Clings to coffee and her wallet,

Poised, tense, ready to self-protect.

Which one wins?

 

Can one just leave the forest untouched?

For it grows inside of the mind,

imagination soars, or holds you behind.

Which one will you choose?

 

*The above photo is a Pixabay photo.

 

 

Dance of Life. #poetry

2006. Ballroom dance practice.

Blackshoe2IMG_0009 2009, before I retired these shoes.

 

Dance of Life by Pamela Schloesser Canepa, (c) 2019

Please don’t tell me how to dance
and don’t critique my dance
This dance is life and is not a dance with death,
it is a dance with what I’ve been given.
Don’t check the boxes while I dance
My dance is what I’m feeling inside
My dance is where I am in life…
It changes all the time.
To think I used to wear those shoes,
I danced away depression and blues.
Did I worry about a judge?
I also forgot to bear a grudge.
Now here I am, sneakers and yoga pants
and I still at times break into dance.
Sometimes the flow of words is my dance,
Sometimes comforting a child is my dance.
Don’t stare and check your boxes,
the dance is the story, a story, partly fiction
the story is me, the dance is survival
One can only live through self-expression.
I am not within the box,
and no one else draws my lines
so join me if you dare, or laugh along.

Yes, laugh, I said. It means that we’re alive.

Weekend Coffee Share. A Bird’s Eye View

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Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Allison at Eclectic Alli .  The weather looks beautiful, but I’ve been moving slow this morning.  I also have had some coursework, and I am almost done.

Last night, I went with my mom and my son to a Mexican restaurant with a really hip, cool vibe.  It was packed, so we sat at the bar.  After a while, a guy comes over, and I recognized him as one of my cousins.  We are all glad to see him and chatted for a good, long while.  He travels a lot.  It was really nice though, to feel connected to family beyond our small unit.  He tells interesting stories, but my family is awesome story fodder.  🙂

I am going through growing older and having new health issues pop up, having to go through tests.  Throw a prayer my way, please.  I may or may not need it, but it is greatly appreciated.  Enough of that.  No need to worry.  It makes me wonder, if I were a bird or a spirit looking down on my life, what would I think?

 

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Which makes me think of my writing life and experience.  I posted this on Facebook this morning: The space that a story inhabits is important. I have been drawn in by spaces and places, as in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and the movie, Bladerunner 2 as well as in The OA, my new Netflix obsession.
Visualizing yourself in a place or places adds a level to any story. On the left is a crude map I drew of a few city blocks in Undercurrents in Time during my drafting. These blocks also appeared in Detours in Time, but the street names changed due to events and time shifts in that first book.  (Of course, all this followed by an invitation to read my books and a link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0711ZW6XF in Kindle, K.U., or print.)  Shameless self-promo done, but it is Independent Bookstore day!  They carry everything.  One independent bookstore in Jacksonville called the Book Nook carries my books, but I’ll work on expanding that.

I am sorry coffee was brief today, but I do recommend that you watch The OA if you like mystical sci–fi or anything uber weird.  It is delicously weird, but full of hope.  Imagine if, in the worst of moments or crises, you could leave your body because your spirit was free.  The thougth is quite addictive.  See?  I am off to a massage now.  Must relieve a lot of stress caused by worry, no doubt, and the constant drive to be better.  Well, maybe that and getting older.

Have a great day, my friends!

Z is for Zone. #AtoZChallenge

narrative-794978_12801 Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

I am in the zone lately, reading and writing like a maniac, learning marketing ideas as an indie author, and escaping into fiction reading just as often.

I wanted to write about something Zen for Z,  but let’s be honest, I have no true idea about Zen.  My home life is a little chaotic.  Work is terribly busy, so I just escape into a book.  It’s nothing new; I’ve done it all my life.  I had my phases where I’d binge watch certain things on Netflix, but I can’t seem to make myself a passive recipient of others’ ideas right now.  I don’t think reading someone’s book is passive at all.

“Zone out” means you become inattentive or unbothered, and I have to use that in my life right now.  There have been many changes in my home, and I have to accept them. Know what helps?  Getting in my zone.  Every now and then I have to reconnect with those around me, though.

I look forward to telling you more about what’s happening in my zone in the next few weeks.

*For the month of April, I’ve participated in the April A to Z Blogger’s Challenge!  Can you believe it’s just about over?  I’ve done it!  Each day this month, I have written something based on the next letter in the alphabet.  It’s been challenging and fun while giving me a chance to pause for reflection as well.

Want to know more about the A-Z blog challenge?  Visit http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com

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My House of Cards, #poetry

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My House of Cards  (c) 2017, Pamela Schloesser Canepa

The House of Cards had thrived on hope

And goodness, love, and light

The hope was that it was enough

to keep us safe and sound.

The House of Cards became cover

for turned heads and bitter words,

For selfishness and wrath.

But of all things considered,

at least we had a house.

The House of Cards can never beat

a beast that grows within.

For a House of Cards is still just cards,

almost paper thin.

I rid the house of one

offending sort,

and some of us remained.

There is a slightly haunted feel,

I wish it would depart.

But anywhere that I should go

a part of it would follow.

The House of Cards surrounds me now,

within a malevolent wind

I sometimes feel it will blow down

and I’ll have nothing left.

But this House of Cards is what I have

and I have made it mine.

I have sheltered others here,

even if for a short time.

And when it is all said and done,

I hope that mine will be

the House of Cards that withstood all

and always sheltered me.

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

 

 

 

#weekendcoffeeshare Writing Setbacks, a.k.a – No, Reality Won’t Stop Me

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Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee share, hosted by parttimemonsterblog.com.  If we were having coffee, on this foggy morning of January 21st, we’d sit outdoors, as the Florida sun is just starting to peak through.  Not to mention, it is a pleasant 70 degrees!  This has been quite a week, heck, it has already been quite a month.  There have been way too many challenges and obstacles to overcome.  But I’m doing it.  I am not a quitter, and I don’t say that lightly.

Still, my goals have been affected by setbacks.  My goals are not as clear anymore, either, due to many dramatic events in my family life lately.  I have a full-length manuscript that someone is editing for me, after which I’ll need to make some changes I’d already planned on.  Then, I have two other spin-off ideas, yet, I don’t have the focus to really dive into them right now, as I’m also taking a required online course for work that involves a lot of reading and responding.  It’s just 3 months!  *sigh* At least I have started typing up or writing the general ideas so they won’t be lost forever.  (This used to happen to me before I seriously committed myself to being a writer).

Heh, that sounds cool.  I have committed myself to being a writer!  Hey, guys, I’m a writer!  It was only a dream two years ago!  I had ideas floating around that were lost to the aether because I never wrote them down.  Fortunately, I changed that habit.  I can be glad for that, but still,  I am frustrated lately by the intense details that have dropped into my life since my son had an accident that put him in the hospital for three days.  Now, there is so much paperwork and follow-up.  He is better, though his employment situation changed recently, and that’s another concern.  We will get through this.

If my paragraphs seem to be all over the place, I apologize.  That is my life lately.  I deal with what I must, then I inject the writing wherever I can.  I did do some writing this week, however.  Although I haven’t worked on any of my manuscripts or novel in progress, I entered my response to a flash fiction photo prompt.  You can find it at https://pamelascanepa.wordpress.com/2017/01/17/travel-my-way-fridayfictioneers/  Please give it a read and I’d love it if you have a comment!  I just love flash fiction, though I hated it at first.  But I realized that open-ended stories have their own merit, and I learned to love that beast.  Not to mention, I completed it before work on Tuesday as I let my hair dry.  What an excellent way to start the day!  I have also written poetry lately, in dealing with my overwhelming emotions and the overwhelming events of life.  I think it was this week I wrote my “Tenuous Grasp” prayer/poem, see http://bit.ly/2kciqvT.  Aha, yes, it was this week, 1/17/17.  Sometimes I write because I love writing, other times, I do it to survive emotionally.  I mean that.

I wish I had more to share on my status as a writer.  This week also consisted of busy activities at work, learning (and then teaching) a way my students can submit their writing to me online for grading, and, yes, hospital visits.  A hospital is the last place I ever want to be.  However, since insurance requires certain forms being filled out for my son’s accident, and I’d hate spending an hour on the phone to find out where to fax or mail them, my son and I went up there.  Twice.  First, on MLK day since I was off.  He is not driving now, so I had to go, too.  Well, the necessary department was closed that day. Or, that is, what we thought was the necessary department.

So, I arranged to take Wednesday morning off and we went again.  After speaking to about 5 people, starting with E.R. on the first floor,  where he had been first treated, we were sent to many different departments to include: Medical Records, (basement), Case Management (1st floor, I think; it got confusing), then, Trauma Admin (8th floor) where a cute young Doogie Houser/Will Smith intern helped us find the right office.  Finally, someone took our form and said it would be ready in 7-10 days.  All that, in addition to getting lost down a long, dark, hall with blank gray walls.   I could imagine being lost there, never to return.  Maybe I’ve seen that in a movie.  Did I mention I hate hospitals?  The long hidden corridors, the smells…I’ll stop there.  At least there was an end to our endless loop.

At any rate, I slept in today, as I so needed it.  I get arm pain and muscle aches, so I’ll modify diet this week and see how it helps.  Next Dr. visit is in 1-2 months.  No need to hurry there.  I am so glad it’s Saturday.  I am hoping to work on my writing projects next week.  Enjoy your weekend, my friends!                                                                                            *The Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Part Time Monster .  You can join this week’s Coffee Share on her blog or by clicking on the “Linkup Linky“.  In fact, I encourage you to click on the “linky” to see what’s been going on in the lives of other bloggers and even join us if you haven’t before. (I’ll make the links hot later)

#weekendcoffeeshare. November’s Over, and Now….

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Welcome to the weekend coffee share, hosted by parttimemonsterblog.com.  I so enjoy being a part of this blogging community!  If we were having coffee, you’d get to know a bit of who I am.  I’d tell you-

Now that November’s over, I am giving myself a writing break until the Christmas holiday.  November was such a writing crunch!  There was not enough time for reading.  So, the start of December is giving me time to continue reading a novel, The Step, about a woman who was part of the Apollo space program, and to watch my favorite new Netflix show called “Glitch.”  It’s mysterious and weird, and involves a lot of the history of a town come back to haunt them (almost literally); that’s why I love it.  There are sure to be many plot holes, but it does get me to thinking.  Considering, I am an avid fan of The X-Files and The Twilight Zone.  🙂

With an inspired thought process, I’ve had some wild dreams lately.  Maybe these are story ideas in a disguised form, and I should take heed.  I’m still mulling it over.  But I know it arose from a picture a student drew yesterday of birds with dead fish laying at their feet.  She left it under the desk.  Another child found it later and said it was very dark, but I said, “Well, birds eat fish.  I guess you could say that’s just life and survival.  I suppose survival could be considered dark.”  I honestly wasn’t grossed out by it.  Maybe my answer wasn’t the best; I didn’t bring up survival of the fittest because I really prefer to promote peace in the classroom!  I also don’t mind kids being creative in their down time.  Nonetheless, I believe this innocent drawing inspired my survival dream of the Jurassic Park variety.  Survival of the fittest, indeed!

Anyway, I’ll take inspiration anywhere I can get it.  I finished out November with 45,000 words written of a new novel, but I still need to finish it.  Yes, it’s just below the goal, but I still feel I have come away a champion.  This is more than I’ve written in one month, ever!  For more reflections on my NANOWRIMO process and experience, click here: https://pamelascanepa.wordpress.com/2016/12/02/a-november-to-remember-on-losing-graciously-yet-victoriously-in-nanowrimo-amwriting/

Work has been full of testing.  There are mid-year tests in a few of the subjects, and I am a teacher who would prefer to teach and read with my students, but we have made it through the first week and it wasn’t all that difficult.

That’s my week in a nutshell.  I tried not to overwhelm you with talk about my writing, as I know I’ve talked about it so much all month!  Yet, it is still a big part of this post.  I am remembering myself two years ago, wondering when I’d actually live out my dream of being a writer, if I’d have to wait until retirement, cursing myself anytime I’d forget to write down a story idea.  Then again, my son was so much more of my responsibility back then, and he’s much more grown up now, though I still need to help him find another car…

How was your week?  What has inspired you?  I appreciate you stopping by and letting me share about my week!  I encourage you to visit our host of the Weekend Coffee share at parttimemonsterblog.com!

 

Who am I? In Timeline Format. Blog Challenge. “Eyeliner is my friend.”-17 year-old Pam.

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1991.  The Royal Gorge, Colorado.  Young me, age 22.

Who am I?  I took this challenge because it was posted on the blog, “The Quiet Girl Blogger.”   She reminds me of the young me, except that blogs didn’t yet exist back then. 🙂 See her link below my entry!

My entry:

Age 4– I am amazed at this huge world around me, maybe a little scared.  We moved to this cold place and it’s huge, but the snow is neat, my mom spends lots of time with me, and Dad goes to work every day.  I am living a good life and learning so much.

Age 11-I am awkward and my body doesn’t look the way I want it to.  I am missing my dad and I feel sad for my mom, who is going through her own issues.  She went back to work again (said she had to), and she is skinny as a stick now.  I am lucky to have a few close friends.  I am sure God loves me, but I am not sure why I’m here in this world.

Age 17– I am going to look good and willing to suffer for it.  I am lightening my hair again.  No matter what I do or how little I eat, I never look good enough, but eyeliner is my friend.  I am fixated on this guy who treats me like dirt, so I likely won’t go to the prom.  Just not ready.  I’m working a steady part-time job and driving.  I have a few close friends.  I am unsure where I fit in the social totem pole at school.  I am amazed by classic Literature that makes my heart cry and my spirit soar all at once.  I am writing poems that I may never show to anyone.

Age 23– I am a college graduate.  Who knew?  I am still quiet, but I can function in social settings.  I am amazed at this new guy and how he’s so afraid someone else will steal my heart.  I am ignoring the fact that he is possessive.  I work a steady job and may have a chance to use my degree later.  I am sure the Bible says we should love each other.  I am in love.  (I think).

Age 28–  I am a mom!  I’m amazed at this little gift I’ve been given.  This experience is the most meaningful that I’ve ever had in my life!  What love could match this?  But I’m so scared I’ll drop him or do something wrong.  I’m so tired from work and still needing time with my son.  I’m unsure how to balance it all.  And I still have to live up to someone else’s expectations of a wife?

Age 30– I am tired.  I am a beautiful person under all of this.  It is all hidden with feelings of inadequacy.  I am grateful for a friend at work who makes me laugh.  I’m aware my husband will see this as a betrayal to him.  But why can’t I just have a friend?  Why am I not living life as I see fit and why do I feel like I’m caged?  I am trying to raise my son and be a professional.   We need that, but yet he resents that.   I am not going to be a cleaning, cooking housewife.   What did he just call me? I am not letting him talk to me like this one more time.  I am tired of this nonsense.  I am out of here, and taking my son with me.  I am sure God didn’t put me here for this.  I am going to be free to live my own life, with my son and whomever I choose to trust.

Age 40:  I am living my own life!  I’m too young to stop having fun.  Dad didn’t slow down until age 44.  I’m sure some things I do aren’t good for my health, but I’m still young, right?  By the way, now that he’s 11, my son sure got sassy.  Boy, they do change.  I love to travel, and this year was great!  I should do it all before I’m old.  I’m still attractive, many don’t know my age.  I like to have fun with that.  Life is for the taking.  Relationships are for those wanting to slow down.  So why am I so worried about *Steven?  He’s a drinker.  I knew that.  I really need to focus on myself.

Age 48:  I am a teacher, mother, daughter, friend, mentor, writer, a nut**, a dog lover, an avid reader, and health-obsessed.    I am sure God, and Jesus, accepts me just as I am.   I am capable of doing anything I want.  This pain in my hand and my shoulder won’t stop me.  I love my job, but I won’t let it keep me from doing the other things I love.  I love my family and friends.  I have a kind man who cares for me, and I care for him.   Society does not define us.  Making a positive difference for others fits in with my job, my main hobby, and my personal beliefs.   I want to do it all and won’t let anyone stop me.  It doesn’t matter if I only have 10 minutes or 5 hours.  I know I can do this, so I am going to try!

Who am I?  I am all of these things, and more.  I chose a timeline to sum up and show changes I have undergone.   I think they all represent who I am quite well.  Life is truly a growth experience.  I asked my mom to throw out some random ages, for me to think about who I was at that time and what lessons I was learning.  This was fun and emotional.  What about you?  Are you up to the challenge?  Who are you?  More than your job, student status, ethnicity, or where you live.  Who are you?

*Name changed because he doesn’t deserve a mention. 🙂

**(nut) By which I mean, I make up silly songs about the taco-truck, my dog, getting ready for work, etc.  Most of my family will ignore them, but not my boyfriend, Kenny.  He joins in! 🙂

Visit The Quiet Girl Blogger at http://thequietgirlblogger.wordpress.com/2016/08/13/who-am-i/ for her Who am I entry.  While there, you may decide to give her a follow!