Weekend Coffee Share, Our Selves.

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer. Grab your favorite beverage and pull up a chair; Bixby and I are getting philosophical today over green matcha tea. It’s a hot and muggy day, so the A/C is on and the sunlight peeks through my blinds.

I’m tired of always talking about the same things here; my family situation keeps changing, and my family member who had left on a bad note is now back and in need of a lot of patience, but let me share what has got me philosophizing and looking inward. I saw a thought-provoking quote on social media this morning….

So I was thinking, didn’t who I used to be affect who I am today? I made mistakes, trusted the wrong people, and tried to be a good child to avoid conflict at home, therefore only rebelling in quiet ways and unleashing worry on my mother but not every outwardly rebelling against my father whose temper was worse than hers; he wasn’t there after age 10, so his knowledge of any of my rebellion was just second-hand after that.

As a child, I don’t think I trusted many people, but as a teen and young adult, I think trusting the wrong people made me just trust myself more in the long run; that is, after I beat myself up for stepping in it. Perhaps it made me more aware and more wary. I gauge the moments when it’s best to keep it close to the vest, and when to wear my heart on my sleeve.

What I am saying is, there is nothing wrong with who I was. Everything was a learning experience. The only error would be to never learn from the experiences that told me ‘don’t go there next time’ or ‘let him go’ or ‘she/he has shown you who they really are; pay attention.’

I would like to let go of the remnants of the girl who was so anxious when first learning to drive that she took 3 tries to get her license, of the girl who applied for a first job at a fast food chain but ran out of confidence when told to go back and talk to the manager, and the one who didn’t speak up for herself when a ‘friend’ made fun of her in front of other kids in school. It’s okay, I stopped talking to them. I showed them…I was lonely, but I saw regret in their face. I would do it differently today, but through all these things I learned to be stronger.

So, do we let go the remnants of our younger, unsure selves? The ones who put up with boorish family members just because they were ‘family’? The parts that always felt a need to show sympathy for the underdogs to the point we had to endure their odd characteristics that separated us from our friends. Yes. But how can we let go the girl who listens to people at a dinner party before jumping in and being friendly in order to avoid suffering the company of a boor all evening? Why would we let go of the specific facets of our personalities, the intuitive, empathetic parts of ourselves?

‘Guard your heart,’ a friend once told me. That was not always me, but what is me is the person who shares her heart with young people to show them that being a person to others matters, who gives a little more when I feel and read the need on someone’s face. And I still avoid conflict, but I will speak up for myself, though I will do it calmly; I insist on doing this calmly and if it becomes an argument, I will be the better person.

So, who I am evolving to be should be stronger than who I was, but there are remnants of a past me that led to where I am today. I keep learning a lot about myself, how to be myself, and how to keep making myself a better person. Therefore, I both agree and disagree with this statement.

It also makes me think of who I’ll be in the next phase of my life, the one after I am a teacher. My personality will still be here. Will I still have the desire to be a positive influence on young people? Will I find a way to do that daily and perhaps hold a job that allows this? Within the next decade, I’ll have the opportunity for such change. It could be a little scary; I tend to stay so long in one job, but I think this will be exciting. I am going to leave the remnant behind that made me stay in a situation much longer than I should. I will keep evolving, so I won’t be carrying remnants of my old self, just evolved pieces of me that form who I have become.

Stay safe, my friends!

One or Two, All Together. #RDP #poetry

Photo by Lisa on Pexels.com

(c) 2021, by Pamela Schloesser Canepa

They say the loneliest number is one,

but when all is said and done

Together can become empty, and you ask why?

Sometimes there’s a point, they no longer look you in the eye.

******

Sometimes, when you are just one

reaching out to many, you feel more whole

because when trying to stay together,

you denied and shuttered areas of your soul.

*****

You may be blessed to stay together,

or as one, you can still withstand the weather

You be you; as one or part of two, neither one is better.

***

***Subscribe to the Ragtag Daily Word Prompt; join in one day and see what comes out in words. See today’s Word Challenge prompt at https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2021/06/09/rdp-wednesday-together/

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Weekend Coffee Share, Of Pain and Growth

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Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Antoinette.  https://antoinettetrugliomartin.com/2020/01/10/winter-on-hilton-head-island/                Pull up a chair and drink whatever you like!

If we were having coffee today, I’d be drinking a half-caff hazelnut.  Half seems to work best for me these days, I am trying to work on maintaining a calmer spirit. I might be brief today, as I have a hair appointment that mainly serves the purpose of making my hair easier to maintain.

I feel like I am growing as a person, and physical therapy is making me feel stronger.  I’m realizing that, for a long time, I have stuffed negative emotions down in areas of my body, currently, the lower back and shoulder.  But I’ve made progress and have been able to complete every pose in Zen yoga for the last two visits, and that makes me proud.  My job stresses me out all the time, as there are certain things I want to do right, yet I am pushed to ‘get them done’ in small amounts of time.  Yet, most of my students delight me.  I love watching them grow.  One of them still makes origami animals for me, and I enjoy it so much; I started giving him candy when he brings me something awesome.  I feel it is right to reward someone who wants to share their talent to make me smile.  I am working on an end of the year poem to give to all of them.  I know, it’s way ahead of that, but I am still sleeping at a shortened amount of time so my brain must do something, and I will not let it constantly worry.  There is so much beauty in this world!

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In stressful times, I decided to use a go-to scenario involving Jimi Hendrix singing for me.  He is my latest obsession which is much better than obsessing about my health.  Anyway, he sings, and I have turned into a butterfly; I am limitless and indomitable, feeling no fear.  That’s for when I need to relax, because sometimes I am still very tense, though I am working on that.  I suppose this tensing is a defense mechanism that actually, overall, hurts me in the long run.

In the writing area, I have finished Malachi and have sent it off to the editor.  I have gotten the book cover done and there will be a cover reveal soon!   It is at about 170 pages.  My negative inner voice tells me that isn’t enough.  My other voice tells me his story is completed; Ellie is entering the picture now and wants the spotlight.  There is a lot between those two, so it will be in the book after that.  I need to have faith in myself.  I haven’t worked on fiction in about two weeks; I’m writing a lot about my growth process, dealing with anxiety and trying to grow through the arthritis pain.  Who knew dealing with physical pain had so much to do with mental health? I published a short poem to my son about some of this, as he has had many struggles already in his short life.  You can find it here:  https://pamelascanepa.wordpress.com/2020/01/09/for-my-son-poetry/

That is all for today.  It is beautiful outside here in the Southeast!  I’m going to exercise a little before the hair appointment, and hopefully, have a carefree day.  How are things in your corner of the world?

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